Dating is hard.
The pressure, the nerves, the ability to try to play it cool while getting to know a complete stranger and mess it up by saying something daft. We have all been there!
Appearances matter. People will always say it’s not about looks, sure there is more to it, but appearances are first and foremost the initial sign. It’s hard enough without a limb-difference. With one, oh boy, it’s a whole new world.
From awkward looks, declarations and even disability fetishes(?!), it isn’t easy out there and social media doesn’t go far to help. Everyone is swiping nowadays, left or right, two or three times a second.
I’ll just say it: Tinder is a free-for-all. The absolute wild west of the modern dating scene. While I was on there, I always tried to create a fun profile, whether people read it or not and I always felt like I had to declare my limb-difference whether people felt I needed to or not.
I always felt that if I didn’t declare it or address, it’s kind of like false advertisement. It’s a distinctive feature of mine and I’m sure, if the shoe was on the other foot, it would make me uneasy and catch me off guard should I meet someone with a distinctive difference and make me unsure how to approach asking while creating the atmosphere that they mustn’t be comfortable discussing it since they hadn’t brought it up.
Now, I’ve spoken to people outside of dating in the past who’ve felt there isn’t a need to ‘declare’ it in such terms as you are just you. The term ‘Catfish’ comes to mind here. The last thing I’d want to be is that as I have certainly had some deceivers in my time! Maybe I’m just going out of my way for other people’s comfortability, but I can’t help think it would feel like an elephant in the room. Plus, many people haven’t been around limb-differences or know what the terminology means, so I’ve always felt inclined to mention it early.
It can be a sensitive subject for someone to touch on. For instance, my family would always ask me about who the person was, what they do and do they know about my hand. I know they were looking out for me and I appreciated that. For others, as mentioned, it’s no biggie, but declaring it always gave me a peace of mind.
This usually leads to one of three things in the world of Tinder:
A genuine question/conversation about it
A question such as ‘what’s a limb-difference’ followed by ghosting
Straight-up deleted
Some people are more than happy to discuss it and find it interesting and that can create a good starting point. It’s often even the opening line from someone, although that’s usually so they can figure out if they want to remove you or not, but nevertheless it’s out there and if they’re not willing to talk further, at least you’ve nipped it in the bud and saved yourself some time!
Then, there’s the weird questions and opening lines. For starters, the most outstanding opening line(s) from Bumble – which I must state was always a nicer place:
Other lines included asking what capabilities my hand possesses in the bedroom whereas others have straight up replied ‘Ew.’ Yes. People will stoop low. It’s incredible what people will say behind a screen than what they’ll say in person and some of my replies met their standards, too. It truly is the wild west out there.
With dating with a limb-differences, I firmly believe you need to have thick skin. Unfortunately, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and neither is anyone else and that’s okay. Types are real no matter what others say. Rejection happens to everybody.
I wanted to write this for some time, but only once I was off the apps altogether, because I was sure more was to follow after my writing. It may take you a long time to find the right person, but they do come. Luckily, I found mine on Hinge – a similar yes/no app with icebreakers and seemed more realistic with less pretentious people with genuine heads on them. It was refreshing and I’m happier than ever with Jodie.
Every app has its weird side, for certain. It’s the modern age we live in. For those with limb-differences on dating apps; stick with it, laugh off the strange messages and block the obscene ones. They’re not worth your time.
Dating is hard, but it’s fun. It took me long enough to get out dating once I accepted my difference. If you must, look at it as another challenge in your way. Get out there, get your confidence going and be yourself. Just don’t get on a plane with someone called Simon Leviev, send them money and end up on a Netflix documentary!